.partial day 1.

Aug. 15th, 2017 10:00 pm
yuuo: (I won't let you fall apart)
[personal profile] yuuo
I had decent energy all day. I suspect this will not last.

Kristie is as wonderful as I remember. I still get scared when I'm pulled out of the 'class' to meet with the social worker and nurses individually, because those're kinda random, and there's a lot the first day, and back in school, that usually meant you were in trouble. Still working on that anxiety thing.

But, I'm keeping my anti-anxiety meds with me, and I have my fidget spinner (yay! I forgot I had that in my purse!) and the group is much friendlier than the last time I was in. I'm a little concerned for a couple of them, and one's one of those "It's all in God's hands" types that makes me go "gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag," but this group actually insisted I sit with them. Last time I was in partial, nobody even noticed that I sat alone.

I think if I can keep from napping several hours after getting home, I'll do better, because then I'll get shit done at home and not feel like I'm not being productive.

I'm a little unhappy with how many people fuck around with their phones and take calls in class. that's a no-no in the rules, and there's a few who still do it. I may talk to Kristie about that, that's very disruptive to me.

.partial.

Aug. 15th, 2017 07:51 am
yuuo: (Theory about the bitter one)
[personal profile] yuuo
Okay, so, I spent yesterday off of Facebook. I also spent a great deal of time asleep, because of depression. Fall out from the day before, plus I keep getting reviews to one of my stories on AO3 where people are like "omg not okay!" One was using tumblr speak for "this hurt ;_; good hurt but ouch. ;_;" I initially reacted to it badly, because I was afraid I had approached a subject inappropriately (it does feature alcoholism, so....) but was quickly reassured that it was a good review.

Then I got one yesterday where the person was... complimenting the style and prose, but was 'so shaken' by the ending that they had to get up to walk around twice just to compose their rather short review.

Like, I'm... I'm sorry? That's kind of the reaction I'm going for, in that I write angst, I write the sucker punch endings, at least the ones I write in the Fullmetal Alchemist fandom, have since I started writing there in 2004.

It just made me feel like a terrible person and like I couldn't do anything right, so I ended up going to the hospital. Not for in-patient, but to get into the out-patient 'partial' hospitalization program, which is basically glorified group therapy. I was in it about this time last year, and it helped enormously. I realize that some of it was because I was on an anti-depressant for the first time that was helping, but thinking back, I really think a lot of it was this program. Because while the medicine remained working for several months after that just fine, one-on-one therapy didn't make me ... shine, quite as much as partial group had.

So I went in to triage at the ER (the only way to get in, apparently), and spent 3+ hours waiting through a long line of fellow mentally ill people going in for check-in. I actually got approval from the psychiatrist for admittance to the partial program before the ER doctor came in to evaluate my physical health before I could be released. Usually, it's the other way around, but they were just that busy. Good grief.

So here I am, awake at 8am, about to leave to go do my Day One check in stuff and sit through what basically amounts to a school day's-worth of group therapy. If the staff is roughly the same, I should do well, even without my anti-depressant, of which I took my last this morning. The only staff I recall hating was one man, the chaplain, and he was a temporary one because their normal one was out on vacation, I think? I don't remember, but I know I hated this guy.

I will have words if he is there. Or at least if he tries to make me participate in his Jesus Loves You shit. He may not remember me, but last time, he found out I was a pagan and started really singling me out to Talk To Him in class about this 'universal laws of forgiveness'. (Dude, I'm a daughter of Loki- the guy was so forgiving that he eventually snapped and started Ragnarok in revenge. There's something to be said for saying "no, I don't forgive you" and walking away.)

But the guy they normally have is supposed to be good, so we'll see.

I hope the Carrie Fisher look-alike is there. I recall adoring her, and it'll be nice to see her.

.and i need you now.

Aug. 14th, 2017 05:09 am
yuuo: (Lay my head under the water)
[personal profile] yuuo
It's storming. It's five in the morning. I haven't been to bed yet. I've been screaming and yelling on Facebook against people who still insist on non-violence against actual literal Nazis who are actually literally killing us, and getting told to be nice all night. I am almost done with my anti-depressant. Today's the first day I'm not going to therapy on a Monday for good. I just took my night meds, including a bit more hydroxyzine than I'm prescribed (shh) i the vague hopes that it'll knock me out and let me sleep so I don't have to exist for just a few hours.

Just a few hours. Please. That's all I ask.

I'm done. Just a few hours.

You know that saying about how courage doesn't always roar, that sometimes it's the quite voice at the end of the day that says 'I will try again tomorrow'? Yeah, running out of that. I don't want to keep trying. I'm screaming into a void and nobody fucking cares.

Gonna try to sleep now. Maybe I'll work on writing in the ... well probably afternoon, at this point.
yuuo: (Default)
[personal profile] yuuo


I love this group so much, but this song continues to bug me. I get what they're going for, but... it bothers me on a deep level. Especially this part-

"We throw tantrums like parties
We're not happy 'til everyone knows we're sick
And that's just how we like it
We've hurt bad enough, right, we've earned it

Don't tell the others but it's all getting old
I mean how many more times must our stories be told?"

I'll tell you how many more times our stories must be told. Again and again and again and always just one more time, even when/if we finally get the world to understand that WHAT WE HAVE FOR TREATMENT RIGHT NOW IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. That the social stigma is NOT OKAY. Keep doing it, lest they forget and things get bad again.

Always just one more time. Always.

.we're not a them.

Aug. 9th, 2017 01:24 pm
yuuo: (You knew the deal- no one gives a damn)
[personal profile] yuuo
Said to an in-law on Facebook. Cousin-in-law said he hated dealing with crazy people- crazy people turned out to be unmedicated mentally ill person. Cousin-in-law's mother replied with 'there's a world of them out there.'

Excuse you.

"About 18% of the American population is affected by anxiety- that's over 40 million, many of them my generation- the millennials -and the ones after us. Depression affects 6.7% of the population- that's over 15 million of us. 2.6% for bipolar- over 5.7 million. 1% affected by schizophrenia - 3.2 million. Worldwide, 1.5 million more will be diagnosed with that this year. My disorder is schizoaffective- we're about the same as schizophrenia, a little less, actually.

Yes, there is a whole world of us out there. And we're suffering. We're suffering and too many of us aren't getting any help, or the help we're getting is insufficient. I just had a medicine change because I was suffering from violent psychosis again. We had to up my anti-psychotic and take me off my anti-depressant because it's the only thing that had changed to possibly have caused the manic-like psychosis. I will soon have nothing treating my depression.

Over 41 thousand people will kill themselves this year. Most of them are people with mental illnesses.

There's a whole world of us and we're _dying_.

Please be careful how cavalierly you say 'there's a whole world of them out there'. We're not a 'them'. We're people, and we're suffering, and we're DYING."
yuuo: (Bits of a star gone wrong)
[personal profile] yuuo
I know what I want
And then I don't
Tick tock goes the clock
Back and forth
Back and forth

I don't know what I'm thinking
If there's even anything there at all
But I know what I'm not
Stable, stable
Okay, never okay

I'm lost inside this dizzy noise
I wanna scream and scream
I want to die
And sleep
And dream no more

Please stop your crying
I'll never do it again
I'll just be passive and quiet
I didn't realize I was scaring you
Give me a place to rest

Empty me out
Make me weightless
Maybe ol' Sarah was right
And I'll find some peace tonight
I just don't see that happening

Wring me out
Leave me to dry these tears
How many times am I going to have to do this?
How much time?
How many years?

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of me acting like you owe me this
I need-
I need that place to rest

If I give in
It'll eat me
Chew me up
And spit me out
But hey, happy hurts sometimes

Like the song says
I gotta ask
What's wrong with me when happy hurts?
What's worse,
Why I gotta scream

Until the air is fire
And I'm burning
Burning

I can't stop the screaming
Going on in my head
So make it stop
Let this end
But who am I supposed to be
When you take the sick away?

.surprising and yet unsurprising.

Aug. 8th, 2017 05:55 pm
yuuo: (Happy hurts sometimes)
[personal profile] yuuo
Ended up not going to the hospital! Yay!

Ended up with medicine changes that wasn't what I was wanting, but at least we're attempting something to keep me out of the hospital, so yay!

Money.... not so yay.

Copay on prescriptions suddenly non-existent...? Uh.

I mean, not that my copays were high to begin with, $3.60 on my name brands, but this time, it was zero. Including on the name brand. I mean, if something's changed in my favor, cool, but I'd better call tomorrow to find out what, just so I don't get hit with back owed later down the line and not be able to pay then.

My wife's gift for me came in- I have a beautiful Captain America shrug with sleeves for my tank tops. ♥ And I now have a Slytherin notebook.

(Note: These things were ordered back when we had the money to spare, they're just now coming in the mail.)

.oh, gone? cool.

Aug. 8th, 2017 11:53 am
yuuo: (Theory about the bitter one)
[personal profile] yuuo
No clean clothes. Need a shower. Have a feeling I won't get meds changed, I'll get told to go to the hospital. Can't go without clean clothes and a shower. Never going back to therapy, that trust has been broken.

And she won't be back until 2:30, because she's at fucking yoga, and that apparently means time to take two hour long showers. Great. And she's the one that made me make this fucking appointment.

This day is already shaping into another one that I get the cops called on me for. Fantastic.

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