yuuo: (I'm just a poor boy from a poor family)
[personal profile] yuuo
Good idea: Psychostimulants when you have medical brain fog problems.

Bad idea: Psychostimulants when you have a psychotic disorder.

Help I am in hell.

.but i'm only human.

Sep. 15th, 2017 01:51 am
yuuo: (Putting the 'fun' in dysfunctional)
[personal profile] yuuo
I need to be a little better about updating here, but I can only handle so much at once, and the past few days have been 'sit on youtube, facebook, or twitter, or sometimes all three at once and ignore the outside world' days.

I got in on Wednesday with my pdoc and after some back and forth, I convinced him to try putting me back on the Seroquel instead of finding something new- he agreed the Zyprexa wasn't doing me any good. I told him that if I had to, my PCP would be willing to prescribe the Flexeril I needed to counter Seroquel's leg cramp problems. He was doubtful, but I just kinda looked at him and said "you don't know Dr. [PCP name]." He went "okay!" and put me back on Seroquel. Mood wise, I'm feeling so much better. Sleep wise.... eeeeeeh. I slept twelve hours today when I wanted to get eight. But, unlike with the Zyprexa, I was actually sleeping, instead of just laying in bed and wanting to die. I clearly needed it.

I'll have to figure out how to regulate my sleep on this stuff, but I can already feel the mood difference, and it's fantastic.

I'm still in a sleepy fog, but I'm working through it. Now I gotta convince the cats to stop fighting over my 'lap'. Seriously, Bucky, you had me all day, there was no reason to chase off Moon. And Loki, quit trying to knock over my photo of Josh.


Now, to try to write.


Sep. 11th, 2017 04:34 pm
yuuo: (Lay my head under the water)
[personal profile] yuuo
It's a bad day. I woke up at about ten, but stayed in bed until 3:30, because I just... the thought of being upright and trying to function felt physically painful. I don't remember the last time I was this low. I only got up when I did because Wife came home from therapy and I needed to be up for her sake. She needs a functional partner, someone who doesn't spend all day in bed. So I'll be up when she's around for her sake.

This medicine shit is ridiculous.

I want to disappear. I want to curl in bed and just... disappear. Not exist. I'm not actively suicidal, but I wouldn't turn down not waking back up.

Depression and medicine roulette is so much fun.

.meds again? still.

Sep. 11th, 2017 12:20 am
yuuo: (You knew the deal- no one gives a damn)
[personal profile] yuuo
It's been... not quiet, but not busy, either. It's been mood problems. I should've posted on Thursday, when I had my first psychiatrist appointment after ending partial, but I was so upset by what happened in that appointment that I couldn't, and the last few days have been hell.

I got taken off my Seroquel. A drug that was working. A drug that had elevated my mood, had kept the noises at bay, and that wasn't causing a manic burst.

Why was I taken off Seroquel?

Because I reported that it caused leg cramps at night, and asked for a small-dose muscle relaxer to counter it until my body adjusted.

This is, apparently, too much to ask of my body, so the doctor decided to cut me off a drug that was working, and put me on a different one that supposedly did the same things. So far, I am not impressed. In fact, so far, I'm going into Seroquel withdrawal, which has my mood cycling so fast that I'm screaming in one minute, then literally on the verge of tears the next. I can't stay asleep. I feel like banging my head on the wall. I can't focus.

How much of that is the fact that I fucking cold-turkeyed Seroquel, and how much is natural me with no working meds, I have no idea at this point, because it's been so long since I haven't had at least one working med, that I don't remember if this was normal for me or not.

I just know this fucking sucks.

I give this two more days to get better. If I'm no better- or god forbid, worse -by Tuesday, I'm calling them and telling them I need in sooner so they can change my med back. I can't live like this. My wife shouldn't have to, since she's the one getting snapped at the most, simply by virtue of being around me the most. If they won't change my med, I'm switching docs. This is unacceptable. I told them very specifically that Seroquel is working, but apparently, having any side effects- especially a rather inconsequential one -is too much and I shouldn't take that anymore!

Like, fucking really? I told them I was on Flexeril, but my prescription was almost gone and had no refills left, but I knew it worked and I responded favorably to it. But since he can't prescribe non-head drugs (is that really a thing? he's an MD for gods' sakes), he decided to just take me off Seroquel. Instead of giving me a chance to ask my PCP to renew my prescription. I wasn't even given a fucking option. Just nope, cold turkey it.

Some symptoms of Seroquel withdrawal are (ones I have are bolded):

-Nausea and vomiting
-Agitation or anxiety
-Difficulty with concentration
Insomnia despite intense fatigue
Racing or slowed heartbeat
-Mood swings
Suicidal thoughts or behaviors

My psychiatrist is really fucking lucky that last one isn't bolded. If it were, I'd be in in-patient right now, and I'd really love to not go back.

In unrelated news, I showered and shaved without going two weeks between showers today. Progress, I guess.


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Plotbunny Attack!

September 2017


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